I was watching tv today and i stumbled upon a gospel channel. Casting Crowns was playing a whole bunch of their new songs from their album Lifesong and everyone in the crowd was singing along. As i continued to watch, their old song Who am I began to play and made me come to a realization. Honestly, Who am I? I'm just some regular korean kid that goes to South High and studies, plays volleyball, and just hangs with his friends. How am i different and how am i living this so called christian life that is supposed to be different from others? How come this christian life is so hard to obtain and become consistent with? Why am i striving for this christian life when i have failed countless times and feel as though God is not there? Which leads to another question, Have I even felt God? Was it only religious highs that got me pumped up? Am i trying to live a christian life because i am following the crowd or because i really want it?
Hmm... I have no idea... so what can i do?
Do i continue to attend church even though i feel as God isnt there? During retreat, Pastor Joanne prayed over me and saw things and told me have faith. What the heck does that mean? People say faith is believing with your heart. I say show me the evidence first then i'll believe it. i always wondered why God showed himself in physical forms in the Bible, but not in real life. Or maybe he does? i just havent seen it... So much doubt. so much confusion. Another teacher told me that he sees me on a mountain and i am lost and confused. He said God could just be testing me right now and i just need to pull through and win this battle of sinfulness and trust. How? Howww?? Do i stop being so preoccupied in worldly things? But its so hard because we live in this advanced world where we need to be updated.
During retreat, it was a time of prayer and everyone around me began to confess, pray, talk to God. I prayed...prayed... and then was out of thoughts. So i opened my eyes... looked around... confused. what do i do now? i looked at everyone having a such a intense moment with God and letting out their feelings while crying... i was like how come im not like that? then i thought to myself such great faith they have. such great faith do these people have, why cant i be like them? but realization that i came to was that, when im in doubt and i am lacking faith, i can look to these people and find hope once again. because even if God wasnt real, i dont think any god or anyone could make this many people believe in something so passionately. So now i wait, and look at my church family for help and guidance in areas that i lack.
So what do i do now? I think i should start anew. Be eager, and willing to learn. Question, doubt, become like a child. Listen to him, for he chose me. I hope this is the answer.
2 comments:
so deep and personal.
i'm glad we're friends (:
“I say show me the evidence first then i'll believe it.” If He were to answer your prayer this moment by showing you His physical self, you’d believe Him, right? I mean, obviously, if He shows Himself and stands in front of you face-to-face, He must be real, correct?
Then what about this, Terry? If He comes to everyone in His physical form, wouldn’t everyone believe Him? Then what’s the point of living on earth? If everyone comes to a realization that God is real, and believe with the heart-of-heart that we can only be saved through His son, living on earth is just gosh dang futile. Might as well just walk up to heaven this instant, sheesh.
But that’s the thing. The only reason why we can go to heaven now is because of the mercy of God. I know you’ve heard this countless times already, but because of the Son He has sent, our sins has been covered. He already sent His one son to bear all the pain and suffering to die on the cross, but you’re asking Him to come down and “show me evidence”? I hope you’re getting the gist of what I’m trying to tell you. If He already sent His son to die for our sins, there shouldn’t be any reason for Him to reveal Himself to us. There shouldn’t be any reason for Him to show you the evidence. Then, sending Jesus was useless.
Now, you might be wondering, “Then why send Jesus in the first place? Why didn’t God just appear in front of us, so that we can all believe He really exists?” For one thing, God is a selfish God. No, it’s not the “earthly” selfishness. He wants our genuine attention, our true love for Him. That is why He favors those who have faith even small as a mustard seed. Who wants a robot as a follower? He didn’t like the idea of us being robots. Secondly, Jesus absolutely HAD to come down, because God is not the God alone. There is one God but in three. Confusing, I know. I, too become uberly confused when it comes to this subject, but let me try to clarify myself as best as I can. Since He is “godhead three in one”, we have to experience God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit in our lives. True, Jesus wasn’t there in the Old Testament, but the news was still told and prophesized. What was the prophecy? “The kingdom of heaven is near”, which also means, “Jesus is coming”. After that, we both know the story of Jesus on earth. As He conquered death, He went back to heaven, but sends us the Holy Spirit, claiming He is always with us. Either who, that’s why Jesus was sent. That’s why God doesn’t, or moreover, shouldn’t appear in front of us.
I know trying to have faith is hard. Even so, you’re holding on. For that, I am proud of you. Good job, Terry. I’m sorry this is more like a rant than anything else, but I hope and pray this last comment will help you.
Sometimes, faith is not just believing in something you can’t see. Faith can also be a way of “letting it go”. It is letting go of your worries, doubts, thoughts, stresses, and allowing your heart to take control. Your heart never fails. Then being the big thinker you are, you might ask, “Then what about psychopaths who murder people? What if their hearts tell them they’re doing the right thing?” True, we humans are sinful in nature, but the Holy Spirit is always within us. Each and every single one of us. Sometimes, or most of the time, our minds ignore the Holy Spirit. That’s when Satan becomes excited and toys with our brains. I handed it to Satan before, but will you?
Let it go, and have your own heart decide.
"Who am I?"
You are a child of God who He dearly loves.
You are a son.
You are a brother.
You are a friend.
You are you, and that makes it all that special. :)
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