Easter season

What does Easter mean to me? That was the question asked at today's praise practice and it really had me thinking.

Easter. The day that Jesus Christ resurrected from the dead. To show his power above the grace, that he conquered sin. What does that mean to me? I wondered. Christ died for the sins of me, that's pretty awesome. But how is that relevant to me when i'm so lacking in faith, doubting so much.

Good Friday service. Omg that killed me. I washed Jon bae's feet and was just thinking to myself. I would gladly wash Jon's feet because hes a bro and i just love this guy. Yet would i do it for others? Would i gladly lower myself and wash some stranger? Jesus gladly washed the dirtiest part of our bodies but would i? No. I dont think that i would. My pride, my self-esteem, everything would get in the way of doing that. And that displeases God. Yet i asked God to give me a heart that would gladly lower myself before others. Become a servant at heart. God washed my feet. It's my time to return the favor. Several of the other stations had a lasting effect upon me. I steal from God, and deny him so many times. So many times i have failed and he had to pay for it with the cross. the cross that only simon helped him carry. i know that if i was there i would not have helped him carry that cross sadly. I'm sorry Lord for the sinner that i am yet i want to thank you for being that God that you are. A God thats willing to sacrifice his son for us to give us another chance.

It's time to remember what Christ did for us. No matter where you are in your walk. The fact is that God sent his son Jesus to die for us. That because of this we are able to have another chance for a relationship with God.

I love retreat.

Though i've fallen up and down countless times spiratually. I havent been able to realize or do anything about it because i've been so busy. Junior year is killing me and its making me so busy with homework and studying and actually trying... -.-" Yet finally winter break comes, and its time for retreat. Such a relaxing time, where u dont have to worry about homework, tests, looking good cause all u wanna do is stay warm, and u just think. think think think... think how ignorant you've been acting... think how selfish you were... think about how you're gonna turn this around... think if you're even deserving... but mainly you think about how your going to change with God. Being in silence away from the busy world allows you too see all the blessings around you... see all the people that care and love you... and see that you're not in this spiritual struggle alone.

Usually when i attend retreats i get a spiritual high and tell myself yeah that was awesome im gonna be different this time. but i always getting distracted and forget about that promise. Yet this time, im gonna strive for this, go for it full on. Cause im sick of living an unsatisfying life where you feel like something is missing. Im tired of worrying, i wanna be able to live life knowing that everything is going to be okay. I know i havent been the best boy, but i know that God understands how i feel. and i hope that he will change me to be a person that pleases him. And i cant expect to achieve this by continuing the way i live with my cursing and piercing tongue. "The evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him" but i want to be different and be "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him." I know it will be hard and imma try my best, so please pray for me and keep me accountable. 

God vs. Santa Claus

This blind faith is hard for me to understand and i somewhat sort of understand it better and am trying to reason with myself to put it in a way that i can understand. I was inspired when i watched Elf on tv and it made me think aboutt

God vs. Santa Claus

So in the world, to us, Santa Claus does not exist, but is only a fictional character. He is something we have grown up from, a mere toy, better yet a lie. As kids we believed everything older people told us like "Santa Claus won't give you any gifts if your not good" or "Just believe in the Christmas spirit". Yet did we actually know what Christmas Spirit is? At the ending in Elf, Santa Claus, Buddy, and his brother are trying to run away from the evil "rangers" that want to capture them. The sleigh is powered by a rocket booster thing, but is now broken and they were in quite a dilemma. The sleigh used to be powered by the "spirit of Christmas" that everyone in the whole world believed in. Long story short, the sleigh was eventually powered through the Christmas spirit of music sung by everyone in New York.

Why during the Christmas season does Santa Claus rank highly above with God? I have grown up with God all my life in the church and see him as a fictional character like Santa Claus. Someone i will never meet, just a belief that he is there and is watching me. It was very easy to believe in such a person since everyone around me was encouraging and pressured me to "love God". Yet like the people of New York, I too had lost my spirit and hope in this higher being. But this faith... should come from thankfulness and happiness that the higher being has done for you... Without this faith, overtime the fictional character becomes meaningless.

Yet how to obtain this faith/belief/spirit in this higher being? Is the answer seeing the amazing works he has done and believing? Is it just waiting patiently for something to happen? I have nooo clue.

But during this Christmas season, i should be thankful for all that i am about to receive and focus that happiness and thankfulness into faith.

Who am I?

I was watching tv today and i stumbled upon a gospel channel. Casting Crowns was playing a whole bunch of their new songs from their album Lifesong and everyone in the crowd was singing along. As i continued to watch, their old song Who am I began to play and made me come to a realization. Honestly, Who am I? I'm just some regular korean kid that goes to South High and studies, plays volleyball, and just hangs with his friends. How am i different and how am i living this so called christian life that is supposed to be different from others? How come this christian life is so hard to obtain and become consistent with? Why am i striving for this christian life when i have failed countless times and feel as though God is not there? Which leads to another question, Have I even felt God? Was it only religious highs that got me pumped up? Am i trying to live a christian life because i am following the crowd or because i really want it?

Hmm... I have no idea... so what can i do?

Do i continue to attend church even though i feel as God isnt there? During retreat, Pastor Joanne prayed over me and saw things and told me have faith. What the heck does that mean? People say faith is believing with your heart. I say show me the evidence first then i'll believe it. i always wondered why God showed himself in physical forms in the Bible, but not in real life. Or maybe he does? i just havent seen it... So much doubt. so much confusion. Another teacher told me that he sees me on a mountain and i am lost and confused. He said God could just be testing me right now and i just need to pull through and win this battle of sinfulness and trust. How? Howww?? Do i stop being so preoccupied in worldly things? But its so hard because we live in this advanced world where we need to be updated.

During retreat, it was a time of prayer and everyone around me began to confess, pray, talk to God. I prayed...prayed... and then was out of thoughts. So i opened my eyes... looked around... confused. what do i do now? i looked at everyone having a such a intense moment with God and letting out their feelings while crying... i was like how come im not like that? then i thought to myself such great faith they have. such great faith do these people have, why cant i be like them? but realization that i came to was that, when im in doubt and i am lacking faith, i can look to these people and find hope once again. because even if God wasnt real, i dont think any god or anyone could make this many people believe in something so passionately. So now i wait, and look at my church family for help and guidance in areas that i lack.

So what do i do now? I think i should start anew. Be eager, and willing to learn. Question, doubt, become like a child. Listen to him, for he chose me. I hope this is the answer.